i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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