Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
