I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
it hurts more in the daytime
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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