I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
