Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
