We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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