Already got asked if we're dating
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
