If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
