Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just high enough for therapy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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