His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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