the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
