I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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