Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
