I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
