I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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