Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
