the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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