So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
