Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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