Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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