I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
