oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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