those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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