1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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