Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
