Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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