Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
