lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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