Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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