Christians are straight up FREAKS
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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