listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
