Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
