that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
