I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
