u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
