Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
