There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
