How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
