I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
When are your genitals available?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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