I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
