i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
