Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
