JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
