Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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