Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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