I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
