Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
