I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
