she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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