"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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