Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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