I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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