working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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