K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
